"It's that time of the year again..."
"...ringing in the new year..."
"...goodbye 2008..."
"... what's your new year resolution?"
"... and how long will you be able to keep that resolution..."
"...what's the scene, yaar?" (with a typical Punjabi twang for just the right effect)
... these and many more cliched statements become de rigeur at "this time of the year"... as you venture out in the chilly air, nipping at your nose and ears, numbing your fingers and toes, you can catch snippets of certain key words sprinkled generously in conversations like sugar and coloured frosting on your favourite warmed-up, soft doughnut...words like "Christmas tree, passes, parties, farmhouse, outfits, couple-entry-only, Goa" become the only connectors in each conversation you "happen to overhear" and you catch yourself uttering them frequently enough...a new year will creep upon you silently or jiggle itself conspicuously in your face, depending on how discrete or dramatic you wish to make the occasion... somehow it gives us the impression (or the hope?) that a different digit in the unit's place while writing the date would gently whistle in a pleasant wind of change for us all... our lives, loves, jobs, family, relationships would all race steadily on an upward trajectory of satisfaction and success... new year celebrations bring to us all the shimmer of confetti-like hope trapped inside the pressured balloons of our lives, pin-struck at JUST the right time all across the time-zone to release that glittery tinsel, which is such a necessity in our stressed-out lives... Do things change after January, the 1st each year? Do people turn over a new leaf? Do frustrating situations in our lives miraculously alter for our benefit? I doubt it... all the same, the forthcoming new year brings a smile to our faces, a bounce to our steps, an excuse to stay up all night partying with people we love most, an urge to take an hour off for that much-postponed pedicure, a promise to ourselves to change at least one unacceptable part of ourselves in the future (mostly broken within the first week, but at least we face up to the challenge!)... it brings hope, strength and unadulterated joy... ok, maybe not totally unadulterated, considering drinks and cocktails are on the house!!!
So, six-and-a-half hours before I proceed to hug everyone within a 7-foot radius of my own dancing (albeit unsteadily) self... six-and-a-half hours before I scream out the old year and "ring in the new" in drunken revelry... six-and-a-half hours before I shamelessly kiss that someone special (whole-heartedly attempting to be discrete, in vain)... six-and-a-half hours before we officially bid goodbye to yet another calendar year and spend the rest of the month trying to get used to writing 2009 and not 2008 in all our communications, I raise my fictitious glass up high and cheer on every single year that has passed by and every last week of December, which manages to transform the sea of usually frustrated humanity into the rarely seen pleasant, joyful, forgiving, hopeful, celebrating, self-indulgent individuals... cheers :)
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
:)
happyyyyy... great Sunday... bought a "Delhi" coffee mug from Happily Unmarried... so kicked... will copy the text soon... just as record, coz it's so hilarious... then had some beer and some rum-n-coke... and my tentative client meeting on Monday morning 10AM has been pushed forward to post-lunch...how much better can a Sunday get?
:) ... a late-starting Monday is the best way for a week to begin... :)
yayyyy... pledged not to type any sense this time... so just gonna leave with another yelp of extreme satisfaction... yayyyy...
:) ... a late-starting Monday is the best way for a week to begin... :)
yayyyy... pledged not to type any sense this time... so just gonna leave with another yelp of extreme satisfaction... yayyyy...
Friday, December 26, 2008
great expectations...
The most frequent cause of each historical downfall has been the possession of unreasonably high expectations... the Don Quixote-esque fantasies.... the misty dreams that will never culminate into tangible reality. Mythology has a host of examples that can strengthen the strong statement made previously... In the Ramayana, Ravana's sister wanted to romance Lord Ram, he cut off her nose (metaphorically, in my opinion), it led to the burning of Lanka and the demise of Ravana's rule... In Greek mythology, Hades, the feared God of the Underworld, kidnapped Persephone, the enchanting daughter of Zeus and Demeter (Goddess of the harvests), with a similar inclination. Demeter was so devastated that she transformed all fertile land to barren fields. After six months, Hades was forced to send back Persephone, albeit temporarily, after which the harvest season resumed on earth once more. This is how the Greeks have explained the phenomenon of seasons in their mythological texts. Of course, the fantasy of possessing Persephone did not destroy Lord Hades... but we mustn't forget, Hades was the ruler of the Underworld and a God in his own right... were he a mere mortal, I shudder to think what Zeus and Demeter would have done to him... one lightning bolt from the former, and Hades would have quite literally been toast!
History, too, is fraught with supportive evidence of this fact...if Adolf Hitler had excluded the erstwhile USSR from his formidable plans of victory, he might have been able to ensure that the rest of Europe would converse only in German even in the 21st century...Alexander the Great, too, died in the midst of his ambitious conquests among exhausted troops and a mutiny against him...
Closer to the current day and age... George Bush attacking the Muslim world (Afghanistan...perhaps justified...Iraq???) and subsequently (it took an extra term in office... I seriously wonder why!) was forced to abdicate his seat of tyrannical and absolute power...
Mythology, history, international politics, business... when they all so vehemently fortify my argument that unreasonably gigantic expectations are the last great feelings to be experienced prior to an imminent ruin, why should we encourage ourselves to harbour such emotions... the steeper the peak, the sharper the fall... and to add to the alarming speed of sudden descent, the more effort one devotes to flail one's limbs about in desperate attempts to take off once again, the more smug and derisive are the expressions on people's faces that you swoosh past on your way down...taunts-jeers-hopelessness-crash-and-burn!!!
History, too, is fraught with supportive evidence of this fact...if Adolf Hitler had excluded the erstwhile USSR from his formidable plans of victory, he might have been able to ensure that the rest of Europe would converse only in German even in the 21st century...Alexander the Great, too, died in the midst of his ambitious conquests among exhausted troops and a mutiny against him...
Closer to the current day and age... George Bush attacking the Muslim world (Afghanistan...perhaps justified...Iraq???) and subsequently (it took an extra term in office... I seriously wonder why!) was forced to abdicate his seat of tyrannical and absolute power...
Mythology, history, international politics, business... when they all so vehemently fortify my argument that unreasonably gigantic expectations are the last great feelings to be experienced prior to an imminent ruin, why should we encourage ourselves to harbour such emotions... the steeper the peak, the sharper the fall... and to add to the alarming speed of sudden descent, the more effort one devotes to flail one's limbs about in desperate attempts to take off once again, the more smug and derisive are the expressions on people's faces that you swoosh past on your way down...taunts-jeers-hopelessness-crash-and-burn!!!
Thursday, December 25, 2008
shut shop and move on...
52 out of the 59 people I meet on a regular basis are people I don't like/approve of/would want around me... out of the remaining 7, I can just about tolerate 4... and out of those 4, when I move on to the next phase of my life (school-college-MBA-work) or the next location of my life (Delhi-TN-Isb-TN-Ldh-Delhi-Shillong-Pune-Delhi) I know I'll keep in touch with only 2... It's strange that I can't wait to get onto the next logical step, to experience new feelings, to meet new people... yet I'm so awful at keeping in touch with old friends, acquaintances, and people with whom I shared few but fantastic memories... It's christmas day and I'm home, my closest friend isn't in the country (on vacation) and usually this day would be dedicated to decorating her tree, watching repeats on TV, smoking, baking the best shepherd's pie and cake (generously poured out rum) and generally bitching about how life doesn't change from one Xmas to the next (... or how MUCH it changes???!!!!)... now she's gone and I'm home wondering what to do with my whole day until I meet someone in the evening for dinner-and-daroo...
It's at times like these (when solitude gets to my mind) that I begin to wonder, where ARE the people with whom I spent the best years of my student life? Where ARE the girls I lived with, giggled with, shopped with, swore that we'd always be there for each other? where ARE my "crazy-huge-self-exploding" circle of friends and extended friends and friends of extended friends? maybe despite my self-proclaimed belief of being "social" or "an extrovert", deep down, I shudder to keep in touch with 57 of the 59 people I meet... I can't imagine going on a weekend trip with the pseudos I come across on a daily basis... perhaps my process of elimination is too stringent to qualify enough people in my "circle of trust"... perhaps if everyone qualified, the circle would transcend into a wire-mesh of chaos and escapism... I would never be able to handle them all, knowing very well that I disliked them so... or even felt indifferent towards their mere existence...
Do I push myself away from everyone because it's too much effort to keep in touch? Rarely do I call up my friends (birthdays)... it's usually a one-way process, based on their motivation to talk to me... I've lived in so many towns and cities, never stayed put for more than 3 years anywhere... it has rendered me flexible... too flexible to gain roots, I've gone with the flow so conveniently all through my life that now when I so desperately seek my bearings, I realize I've burnt most of my bridges by sheer indifference, turning my negligent back on people, just because my miniscule attention span didn't allow me to get too involved in my past! The nomadic way of life has made me just that... a nomad... set up shop, get the job done, shut shop and move on... don't ever look back, just keep on moving!
It's at times like these (when solitude gets to my mind) that I begin to wonder, where ARE the people with whom I spent the best years of my student life? Where ARE the girls I lived with, giggled with, shopped with, swore that we'd always be there for each other? where ARE my "crazy-huge-self-exploding" circle of friends and extended friends and friends of extended friends? maybe despite my self-proclaimed belief of being "social" or "an extrovert", deep down, I shudder to keep in touch with 57 of the 59 people I meet... I can't imagine going on a weekend trip with the pseudos I come across on a daily basis... perhaps my process of elimination is too stringent to qualify enough people in my "circle of trust"... perhaps if everyone qualified, the circle would transcend into a wire-mesh of chaos and escapism... I would never be able to handle them all, knowing very well that I disliked them so... or even felt indifferent towards their mere existence...
Do I push myself away from everyone because it's too much effort to keep in touch? Rarely do I call up my friends (birthdays)... it's usually a one-way process, based on their motivation to talk to me... I've lived in so many towns and cities, never stayed put for more than 3 years anywhere... it has rendered me flexible... too flexible to gain roots, I've gone with the flow so conveniently all through my life that now when I so desperately seek my bearings, I realize I've burnt most of my bridges by sheer indifference, turning my negligent back on people, just because my miniscule attention span didn't allow me to get too involved in my past! The nomadic way of life has made me just that... a nomad... set up shop, get the job done, shut shop and move on... don't ever look back, just keep on moving!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Ode to the Old Monk... (dedicated to the hostel mania!)
The deep dark enigma
Within you stirs...
Contrary to popular belief,
You're a blessing in the disguise of a curse.
We drown our misery
In your warmth welcoming,
The sadness fades away,
The hurt loses its sting.
Your slender, narrow neck,
Your broad squarish base,
The ridges along the circumferance...
They all bring a smile to one's face!
The re-assuring waves of
Your mystic charms
Swirl slowly within
Like an enticing dance...
Some, it uplifts
To such a dizzying height,
Their heads swing, eyes glaze
Their 'spirits' have taken flight!
The heady aroma
When the cap is unscrewed
Can make my eyes go dreamy
And even chase away a PMSing mood...
So let's pour in the first peg
Over three cubes perfectly piled,
And be generous in our servings...
It's no fun when one's drink is mild!
Let's raise our glasses up high,
And toast this first one to the Old Monk so dear...
It tastes better than the uncleji-type whiskey...
And sure as hell better than beer!
To all the laughter that intertwined melodiously with the glass-and-ice clinking...
To all the melancholic times, when this magical spirit helped overcome the tears...
To all those bacchanalian nights that spilled over to the next day's drinking...
To all the friendship and camaraderie and slurred, giggly voices hissing "CHEERS!!!"
Within you stirs...
Contrary to popular belief,
You're a blessing in the disguise of a curse.
We drown our misery
In your warmth welcoming,
The sadness fades away,
The hurt loses its sting.
Your slender, narrow neck,
Your broad squarish base,
The ridges along the circumferance...
They all bring a smile to one's face!
The re-assuring waves of
Your mystic charms
Swirl slowly within
Like an enticing dance...
Some, it uplifts
To such a dizzying height,
Their heads swing, eyes glaze
Their 'spirits' have taken flight!
The heady aroma
When the cap is unscrewed
Can make my eyes go dreamy
And even chase away a PMSing mood...
So let's pour in the first peg
Over three cubes perfectly piled,
And be generous in our servings...
It's no fun when one's drink is mild!
Let's raise our glasses up high,
And toast this first one to the Old Monk so dear...
It tastes better than the uncleji-type whiskey...
And sure as hell better than beer!
To all the laughter that intertwined melodiously with the glass-and-ice clinking...
To all the melancholic times, when this magical spirit helped overcome the tears...
To all those bacchanalian nights that spilled over to the next day's drinking...
To all the friendship and camaraderie and slurred, giggly voices hissing "CHEERS!!!"
Friday, December 5, 2008
ranting!
a searing headache, a depressing day at work, and absolutely no plans for a Friday night make up the most toxic cocktail for a bad mood and inane ranting... and now that I'm lounging around on my couch, wearing my brightest PJs to cheer me up (neon green, if you please), I still don't feel too comforted... honestly I have no clue what I'm out to write tonight... there isn't much to say... this is why I have a constant need to talk to someone at all times except when I'm asleep, because if I give enough attention to the arbit thoughts swirling around in my head, I will ACTUALLY go wonky... not over-exaggerating here!
I seriously feel everyone needs a little therapy in their lives, if for nothing else, then to gain perspective... and since we are all such fantastic listeners, the ONLY way we'll actually take someone's advise is if we put in some money to hear it in the first place... 500 rupees an hour isn't too bad to be heard without prejudice, especially if at the end of the hour, someone actually comes back with a little honest truth (whether you like it or not)! I think out of most people I know, I need therapy a little bit more... the question still remains- do I need to be heard... or to listen?
We can always tread the comfortably numb middle-path and say, "neither... it's to start a dialogue"... the dialogue to be had, is NOT with you and the therapist... it's between you and yourself... and that's probably what scares me the most... the murkiness that lurks beneath the surface of my own head!
I seriously feel everyone needs a little therapy in their lives, if for nothing else, then to gain perspective... and since we are all such fantastic listeners, the ONLY way we'll actually take someone's advise is if we put in some money to hear it in the first place... 500 rupees an hour isn't too bad to be heard without prejudice, especially if at the end of the hour, someone actually comes back with a little honest truth (whether you like it or not)! I think out of most people I know, I need therapy a little bit more... the question still remains- do I need to be heard... or to listen?
We can always tread the comfortably numb middle-path and say, "neither... it's to start a dialogue"... the dialogue to be had, is NOT with you and the therapist... it's between you and yourself... and that's probably what scares me the most... the murkiness that lurks beneath the surface of my own head!
Saturday, November 29, 2008
books i will read before the New Year
Strange as it may sound, I have always been a "simultaneous reader"... I usually have 3 books that I'm actively reading at ANY given time, spread across the house so whenever I feel the urge, I don't need to exert my lazy bones too much.... I also can't resist buying books that I "have to have" and each time I walk into a Crossword or Om Bookstore, I walk out with a couple of books and a cheshire cat grin... the strange kick I feel while standing at the billing counter, the anticipation of penning down the date and place of purchase on the first page as soon as I get back home is incomparable!
I usually read each night until my head starts bobbing and eyes get droopy... sometimes I fall asleep with fingers still curled around the pages, wake up an hour later and continue from where I left off... at others, a kind soul switches off the lights and removes the book from my unconscious clutches as discretely as possible... nonetheless the time I devote each day to such leisures is never commensurate to my speed of impulse buying and hence, my backlog of "things-to-read" has increased exponentially.
The reason I'm writing this down is so that I can no longer make excuses to myself and/or fool myself into thinking that I'm doing justice to my bookshelf! So here's my list of "backlog books" that I shall finish before New Year (it sure helps that I have holidays from 19th Dec!):
~The Agony & the Ecstasy by Irving Stone... am exactly halfway through this as on today!
~Notes from Underground by Fyodor Dostoevsky (umm... a lil spellcheck there would help!)
~Collected Short Stories by Anton Chekhov
~Indian Fiction vol 1
Also, I must begin reading these books before I usher in the New Year:
~Siddhartha by Herman Hesse
~Ground Beneath Her Feet by Rushdie
~Feluda vol 1 by Satyajit Ray
Whoaa!!! Check ME out getting all ambitious and "organized"... it's strange to have a list for recreational activities but somehow, this is a reassuring list...unlike my 10 AM task-list on the right-corner of my Outlook window each morning... it feels warm and comforting to know what a blast I shall have in the next one month... and now that I've written my "list" down, I'm gonna quickly hit the publish key, lest I make any changes...
I usually read each night until my head starts bobbing and eyes get droopy... sometimes I fall asleep with fingers still curled around the pages, wake up an hour later and continue from where I left off... at others, a kind soul switches off the lights and removes the book from my unconscious clutches as discretely as possible... nonetheless the time I devote each day to such leisures is never commensurate to my speed of impulse buying and hence, my backlog of "things-to-read" has increased exponentially.
The reason I'm writing this down is so that I can no longer make excuses to myself and/or fool myself into thinking that I'm doing justice to my bookshelf! So here's my list of "backlog books" that I shall finish before New Year (it sure helps that I have holidays from 19th Dec!):
~The Agony & the Ecstasy by Irving Stone... am exactly halfway through this as on today!
~Notes from Underground by Fyodor Dostoevsky (umm... a lil spellcheck there would help!)
~Collected Short Stories by Anton Chekhov
~Indian Fiction vol 1
Also, I must begin reading these books before I usher in the New Year:
~Siddhartha by Herman Hesse
~Ground Beneath Her Feet by Rushdie
~Feluda vol 1 by Satyajit Ray
Whoaa!!! Check ME out getting all ambitious and "organized"... it's strange to have a list for recreational activities but somehow, this is a reassuring list...unlike my 10 AM task-list on the right-corner of my Outlook window each morning... it feels warm and comforting to know what a blast I shall have in the next one month... and now that I've written my "list" down, I'm gonna quickly hit the publish key, lest I make any changes...
Monday, November 24, 2008
the vicious circle of karma (and my roundabout crash...)
The last aspect of my personality that I would consider "holy-stically" developed would be the spiritual one... I've always had a strong aversion to rites and rituals... born Hindu in a moderately modern-conservative family, there have always been people who told me to sit in the puja room, bow my head and shut my eyes for a few moments before the seemingly-catastrophic exams... I always argued that it was I who was filling up sheet after sheet of logic, math or language, not a man/woman/deity from up-above-the-sky-so-high... the answer would always be the same "it's supposed to calm you down, give you fortitude, help you breathe easy... not to make you recall the answer of question # 14 faster"... so I would take deep breaths, shut my eyes tight and just let go... somehow it always helped release some of the stress present in my panicked mind and palpitating heart!
Fast forward to 2008, working-post-a-masters-degree, living life "fast-and-furious", running faster than the seconds to transform 24hr workdays into 34 and 48hr weekends into a whole lot more... squeezing the "life" out of my bitter-sweet-orangey life and savouring every tangy moment before it oxidizes with age! In the continuous process of getting where I want, how I want to at the most convenient time to me, several people from my past are left behind, strewn carelessly across the path traveled... hurt, maybe...ignored, for sure... some realize it and detest my very callousness... others are equally (if not more) unaware that our lives' orbits were spread at random right angles, intersecting, perhaps even co-inciding for a little while and eventually distancing away at varying speeds... friendships lost across distances, soured relationships, awkward relations with cousins, acquaintances whose faces ring a vague bell... so many equations of the past come crawling back in the rare moments of loneliness, some that leave me warm and fuzzy, rounded around the edges... others that are still sharp, edgy and prick my heart, mind and even my confused conscience!
"what goes around comes around" is a concept that freaks me out and at the same time pleases me tremendously... karma is a strong theme in Hindu religion, I've always believed in the religion of "doing good" as much as possible, rather than the merely mechanical agarbatti-lighting-sanskrit-chanting school of thought... some might seek salvation in these routine "cleansing" chores of the day... for me, the circle of karma is what keeps me going... it's as logical as the flow-chart diagram or the decision tree, only a lot more subjective... what's right and what's wrong depends on a multiplicity of factors and I'm no one to judge their weightage or relative importance... nevertheless it is extremely comforting to know that the guy who smashed my poor innocent lil car from the rear at the Asoka Hotel roundabout today would suffer adequate retribution, and I sure as hell (pun intended) hope that it happens sooner rather than later and I'm in the vicinity to witness it...
@_@
Fast forward to 2008, working-post-a-masters-degree, living life "fast-and-furious", running faster than the seconds to transform 24hr workdays into 34 and 48hr weekends into a whole lot more... squeezing the "life" out of my bitter-sweet-orangey life and savouring every tangy moment before it oxidizes with age! In the continuous process of getting where I want, how I want to at the most convenient time to me, several people from my past are left behind, strewn carelessly across the path traveled... hurt, maybe...ignored, for sure... some realize it and detest my very callousness... others are equally (if not more) unaware that our lives' orbits were spread at random right angles, intersecting, perhaps even co-inciding for a little while and eventually distancing away at varying speeds... friendships lost across distances, soured relationships, awkward relations with cousins, acquaintances whose faces ring a vague bell... so many equations of the past come crawling back in the rare moments of loneliness, some that leave me warm and fuzzy, rounded around the edges... others that are still sharp, edgy and prick my heart, mind and even my confused conscience!
"what goes around comes around" is a concept that freaks me out and at the same time pleases me tremendously... karma is a strong theme in Hindu religion, I've always believed in the religion of "doing good" as much as possible, rather than the merely mechanical agarbatti-lighting-sanskrit-chanting school of thought... some might seek salvation in these routine "cleansing" chores of the day... for me, the circle of karma is what keeps me going... it's as logical as the flow-chart diagram or the decision tree, only a lot more subjective... what's right and what's wrong depends on a multiplicity of factors and I'm no one to judge their weightage or relative importance... nevertheless it is extremely comforting to know that the guy who smashed my poor innocent lil car from the rear at the Asoka Hotel roundabout today would suffer adequate retribution, and I sure as hell (pun intended) hope that it happens sooner rather than later and I'm in the vicinity to witness it...
@_@
Monday, November 10, 2008
the angel and the soccer team...
So those are the images that were tattooed yesterday on the ink-virgin skin of the two beloved loves of my life... one was a black and white, abstract, flowing form of an angel in take-off stance (sounds like a cross between a Boeing and a boxer, but looks phenomenal!!!) on the inside ankle (doesn't wish to flaunt it... told her it was called, "being a tease" hehhehh)... and the other was the logo of a favorite soccer team... the love of his life for a decade now... bright, vibrant, red-hot... on a flexed bicep...!
I managed to stay in the room for the entire duration of inking (2.5 hrs plus 1 hr)... couldn't see the needle, OR the flesh being pierced, so it just seemed to me as if a Thai guy with straight-black-long-waist length hair and a goatee was filling in a coloring book...
Quite an eye-opener to realized how awesome it actually feels to get it done... maybe someday in the future... when I find a pattern that I just HAVE TO HAVE on my skin, I'll act on that impulse... :)
I managed to stay in the room for the entire duration of inking (2.5 hrs plus 1 hr)... couldn't see the needle, OR the flesh being pierced, so it just seemed to me as if a Thai guy with straight-black-long-waist length hair and a goatee was filling in a coloring book...
Quite an eye-opener to realized how awesome it actually feels to get it done... maybe someday in the future... when I find a pattern that I just HAVE TO HAVE on my skin, I'll act on that impulse... :)
Saturday, November 8, 2008
weekend pain
The weekend is here... yayyyy... I'm waiting for the water to heat up in the shower, sipping strong steaming hot coffee, and with NOTHING to do for the next two days except watching a long-overdue film (fashion... just to feel great about NOT being a model) with my favourite people in the world, and getting two of them inked on Sunday afternoon... :P... and while they're in spasms of pain for body-beautiful, I'll slip out and save myself (and them) the panic and misery of my fainting at seeing syringes cut in and out of skin... the last time I actually SAW a syringe do that was in 8th grade, and I wanted to know my blood type (just for kicks... I'm a universal recipient by the way, talk about freeloading!)... my cousin was delegated the task of letting me know when I can turn back and check out my forearm after the whole nerve-wracking process is over... highly amused, he told me to look 5 seconds too early... syringe stuck in my forearm, cutting through my skin, standing upright perpendicular to my arm while the doctor was looking for cotton on his worktable... was devastated and when we walked out a few minutes later, the image swirled around in my mind, arm-syringe-perpendicular-piercing my skin-veins-blood-arm-syringe-piercing-slicing-cutting... it wasn't the pain so much as the image... it spun around at 10K rpm in my mind until the hospital gate was a distant blur, my cousin's voice faded into the clinical background, buzzing somewhere too far for me to decipher... and I fell...
Tattoo parlours, piercing studios, hospitals are my perpetual nightmares... my strange phobia has been with me ever since 3rd grade, when my mom was teaching me about the cardiovascular system (heart pumps blood, there are 4 ventricles, aorta, arteries, the works!) and I started hyperventilating, knees went weak, eyes went blurry...so I'm going to have quite an eventful Sunday :)
(ironic how all this freaks me out so much yet I got my eyebrow pierced in college... maybe I can justify that by saying, I never really HAD to look at the needle there since it was right above my eye!!!!)
Tattoo parlours, piercing studios, hospitals are my perpetual nightmares... my strange phobia has been with me ever since 3rd grade, when my mom was teaching me about the cardiovascular system (heart pumps blood, there are 4 ventricles, aorta, arteries, the works!) and I started hyperventilating, knees went weak, eyes went blurry...so I'm going to have quite an eventful Sunday :)
(ironic how all this freaks me out so much yet I got my eyebrow pierced in college... maybe I can justify that by saying, I never really HAD to look at the needle there since it was right above my eye!!!!)
Monday, November 3, 2008
"How To Save A Life"
Too much history behind this poem... the end of a super-long-term-perfect-relationship... betrayal across long distances... denial of a cheater's follies (by EVERYONE in the relationship except on-lookers)... wrong decisions... siding with love that deceives rather than honest, protective, open friendship... no more contact with either of the people involved (yet!)... trying so hard to reach out, and she's just shrinking in a dark corner with the "love of her life who can never do anything wrong"!!!
How To Save A Life?
There's a little bit of me
In the world today
It's dreary and blue
And gloomy-grimy-grey
Clouds of destruction
Loom threateningly over her head.
Shrugging off friendship & honesty,
From the scene we could have fled
Friendships could have remained...
Sustained & strong & still intact!
And we could have picked her up
After she fell on her face flat.
But we wanted to prevent
The agony of a future with him.
She deserved so much more...
And the chances of his obliging, were slim.
He let her go so callously,
And she wasn't even aware...
She looked up to him, stars in her eyes...
He looked down, condescending, never even there!
If there was an open manhole,
I'd push & shove him through it...
Slap him & swear & glare at him,
Manoeuver and make his giant frame fit!
I'm filled with bitter cynicism
Surely true love doesn't exist...
It's all a glassed illusion
Everything shatters- love, peace, bliss...??!!!
How To Save A Life?
There's a little bit of me
In the world today
It's dreary and blue
And gloomy-grimy-grey
Clouds of destruction
Loom threateningly over her head.
Shrugging off friendship & honesty,
From the scene we could have fled
Friendships could have remained...
Sustained & strong & still intact!
And we could have picked her up
After she fell on her face flat.
But we wanted to prevent
The agony of a future with him.
She deserved so much more...
And the chances of his obliging, were slim.
He let her go so callously,
And she wasn't even aware...
She looked up to him, stars in her eyes...
He looked down, condescending, never even there!
If there was an open manhole,
I'd push & shove him through it...
Slap him & swear & glare at him,
Manoeuver and make his giant frame fit!
I'm filled with bitter cynicism
Surely true love doesn't exist...
It's all a glassed illusion
Everything shatters- love, peace, bliss...??!!!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
stuff i love to hate...
The most reassuring part of life is the certainty with which we can declare to all and sundry..."I never HAVE and never WILL like that..." it could be with reference to a song, an item of clothing, a color, an activity, a feeling or even a person (a whole lotta those out there that I can safely vouch for!)... these opinions are probably the ONLY unchanging part of our whirlwind lives... I know my list is endless but here's the top howmanyever that I can recall for now...
I will ALWAYS detest
~ even looking at an object cutting through skin (knives, needles, syringes, scissors, anything entering skin)... I cringe, I shiver, I pass out!!!
~ the feeling you get a milli-second before you fall down (helplessness, sinking and forthcoming embarassment)
~ waiting....being on time (which is almost always) and having to wait for people who have a casual attitude towards punctuality... I hate to wait mostly because I don't know what to do when I am by myself... get restless...it's like an incurable disease, I think
~ cars/two wheelers/trucks/buses etc. who can't manage to navigate their vehicles but presume that they own the road...
~ people who litter, hurt animals & strays, spit on the road etc.
~ the feeling of seaweed wrapping around your unsuspecting ankle!!!
~ the helpless feeling you get when your work is held up on account of external circumstances and the higher-ups ask uncomfortable questions (but of course, that IS the one sentence they adhere to in their job descriptions)
~ when you are home alone and the one person you would like to sneak in isn't in the same city
~the half an hour span from "i don't feel well" to "don't piss me off, my head is killing me"... especially when you're about to go on a night out with friends (a very close friend tells me beer solves ALL problems...somehow never wanted to try beer on a headache!)
~people asking me annoying questions or disturbing me in any way when I'm reading a book
~wannabes who think bryan adams is the ultimate in "rock music" and the best novel they've ever read is "one night at a call centre"
~women who wear tight clothes and can't find appropriate lingere (can get exceedingly repulsive sometimes...almost as bad as women who wear jeans-about-to-slide-off-the-ass and can't seem to have found a single belt in their wardrobes to hold the said garment together)
~the time span between waking up in the morning and having my first cup of strong, bitter coffee
I think that's enough of me raving and ranting for no reason other than to feel better about the fact that some things will never change :)... should I feel the need for it, I WILL update this with some more blah feelings... Yayyyy!!!
I will ALWAYS detest
~ even looking at an object cutting through skin (knives, needles, syringes, scissors, anything entering skin)... I cringe, I shiver, I pass out!!!
~ the feeling you get a milli-second before you fall down (helplessness, sinking and forthcoming embarassment)
~ waiting....being on time (which is almost always) and having to wait for people who have a casual attitude towards punctuality... I hate to wait mostly because I don't know what to do when I am by myself... get restless...it's like an incurable disease, I think
~ cars/two wheelers/trucks/buses etc. who can't manage to navigate their vehicles but presume that they own the road...
~ people who litter, hurt animals & strays, spit on the road etc.
~ the feeling of seaweed wrapping around your unsuspecting ankle!!!
~ the helpless feeling you get when your work is held up on account of external circumstances and the higher-ups ask uncomfortable questions (but of course, that IS the one sentence they adhere to in their job descriptions)
~ when you are home alone and the one person you would like to sneak in isn't in the same city
~the half an hour span from "i don't feel well" to "don't piss me off, my head is killing me"... especially when you're about to go on a night out with friends (a very close friend tells me beer solves ALL problems...somehow never wanted to try beer on a headache!)
~people asking me annoying questions or disturbing me in any way when I'm reading a book
~wannabes who think bryan adams is the ultimate in "rock music" and the best novel they've ever read is "one night at a call centre"
~women who wear tight clothes and can't find appropriate lingere (can get exceedingly repulsive sometimes...almost as bad as women who wear jeans-about-to-slide-off-the-ass and can't seem to have found a single belt in their wardrobes to hold the said garment together)
~the time span between waking up in the morning and having my first cup of strong, bitter coffee
I think that's enough of me raving and ranting for no reason other than to feel better about the fact that some things will never change :)... should I feel the need for it, I WILL update this with some more blah feelings... Yayyyy!!!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
midnight musings...
Last night...the time would've been about 2:30 am... my cousin woke my lazy sleeping ass off the couch facing the tv in the most effective manner possible..."chal let's go for a smoke"...instant transformation, from the garfield-inspired-yawning-lethargy to colorful, shiny, bouncing slinky...
We tip-toed out to the lobby where my sleep-like-an-angel-wake-like-a-hurricane dog was snoring contentedly... my cousin put the giant key into the lock and turned it over three times... this task usually accounts for three loud clicks but he has mastered the art of patiently turning it counter-clockwise and pausing for that brief second before the lock clicks so the sound barely carries to mom & dad's master bedroom upstairs! Once out, we locked the rest of the family in and sat right outside the door on the stairs...
As I stepped out, things felt a little different... a nice different, not the what-the-fuck-just happened sorta different. If you were out at that hour in Delhi, you sure as hell would know what I mean... dressed in a turquoise blue ganjee, white "hearted" shorts and bare feet, I shivered, barely imperceptible even to me, and realized how soothing the cool breeze felt at the first floor of our building... a slight mist floated up from the parking lot and the tree leaves in the distance shook from the sudden spurts of wind. I smiled to myself relishing the cozy warm feeling of the oncoming Delhi winters.
My cousin passed me the cigarrette to light up (...family tradition :)... I always light up, unless I'm driving, or someone has to get up to find matches!). While striking the match, I thought of the lovely comforting feeling of the cold, foggy winter mornings with sizzling strong cups of coffee that taste so much better as you snuggle back under the covers and search for that part of the bed, still warm from when you woke up...
I think of cold hands rubbing together as I walk out of my house, wrapped up in a fleece sweater, oversized overcoat or one of mom's shawls (stolen from her wardrobe)...
I think of all the lovely people thronging CP, clothed in colorful winter-wear soaking up the balmy afternoon sun in Central Park or haggling with road-side vendors at Janpath for junk jewelry...three happy thoughts, three drags, and I pass the smoke to my cousin (busy on his phone, talking to one of his multiple girlfriends)...
Absentmindedly, I too pick up my phone to call up the one person I know who hasn't experienced this gorgeous Delhi season before and with whom I'll spend my most comforting, snug moments in my city this year... a familiar voice answered "Hello"..."Hi" I said, "Winters are coming to Delhi soon...Yayyy!" He chuckles at my goofiness and wonders what's so special about this season the very notion of which has every Delhiite smiling dreamily... I take a couple more drags from my cousin and think to myself about the season of hot coffee, freezing cold nights, Old Monk & cola, blankets, bright comical socks & sneakers, Christmas rooftop barbecues and New Years' Eve enthusiasm... and the best part is, winters get better each year... haven't experienced a more satisfying winter anywhere else...ever!
We tip-toed out to the lobby where my sleep-like-an-angel-wake-like-a-hurricane dog was snoring contentedly... my cousin put the giant key into the lock and turned it over three times... this task usually accounts for three loud clicks but he has mastered the art of patiently turning it counter-clockwise and pausing for that brief second before the lock clicks so the sound barely carries to mom & dad's master bedroom upstairs! Once out, we locked the rest of the family in and sat right outside the door on the stairs...
As I stepped out, things felt a little different... a nice different, not the what-the-fuck-just happened sorta different. If you were out at that hour in Delhi, you sure as hell would know what I mean... dressed in a turquoise blue ganjee, white "hearted" shorts and bare feet, I shivered, barely imperceptible even to me, and realized how soothing the cool breeze felt at the first floor of our building... a slight mist floated up from the parking lot and the tree leaves in the distance shook from the sudden spurts of wind. I smiled to myself relishing the cozy warm feeling of the oncoming Delhi winters.
My cousin passed me the cigarrette to light up (...family tradition :)... I always light up, unless I'm driving, or someone has to get up to find matches!). While striking the match, I thought of the lovely comforting feeling of the cold, foggy winter mornings with sizzling strong cups of coffee that taste so much better as you snuggle back under the covers and search for that part of the bed, still warm from when you woke up...
I think of cold hands rubbing together as I walk out of my house, wrapped up in a fleece sweater, oversized overcoat or one of mom's shawls (stolen from her wardrobe)...
I think of all the lovely people thronging CP, clothed in colorful winter-wear soaking up the balmy afternoon sun in Central Park or haggling with road-side vendors at Janpath for junk jewelry...three happy thoughts, three drags, and I pass the smoke to my cousin (busy on his phone, talking to one of his multiple girlfriends)...
Absentmindedly, I too pick up my phone to call up the one person I know who hasn't experienced this gorgeous Delhi season before and with whom I'll spend my most comforting, snug moments in my city this year... a familiar voice answered "Hello"..."Hi" I said, "Winters are coming to Delhi soon...Yayyy!" He chuckles at my goofiness and wonders what's so special about this season the very notion of which has every Delhiite smiling dreamily... I take a couple more drags from my cousin and think to myself about the season of hot coffee, freezing cold nights, Old Monk & cola, blankets, bright comical socks & sneakers, Christmas rooftop barbecues and New Years' Eve enthusiasm... and the best part is, winters get better each year... haven't experienced a more satisfying winter anywhere else...ever!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
choke, sputter, gasp!!!
you asphyxiate us with
-your bureaucratic delays and indecision
-your untreated wastes released from PSU factories
-your rollercoaster roads pockmarked with potholes
-your agitated speeches promoting regional intolerance
-your unending criminal records
-your constant blame-game melodramas
-your blatant paan-spitting on the public roads
-your white Ambassadors with no pollution check since 1988
... you place your file-passing-redtaped hands around our cumulative throats and wring us dry of all our rights... and when our eyeballs are nearly popping out of their sockets, bloodshot and we seek that last breath of free air, you "ban" us from smoking in "public places"... but of course, in a nation bleeding with poverty, regional disparities, racial discrimination, lack of health & educational facilities, the top-most priority is to divert ALL possible funds to ensure we smoke at our homes and keep the environment nicotine free...however, public defacation is our born right and all and sundry are welcome to mark "public walls" as their own... leaders of our "modern" country, please raise your pristine-pure white dhotis and lead the way, the walls of the country eagerly await your blessings!
-your bureaucratic delays and indecision
-your untreated wastes released from PSU factories
-your rollercoaster roads pockmarked with potholes
-your agitated speeches promoting regional intolerance
-your unending criminal records
-your constant blame-game melodramas
-your blatant paan-spitting on the public roads
-your white Ambassadors with no pollution check since 1988
... you place your file-passing-redtaped hands around our cumulative throats and wring us dry of all our rights... and when our eyeballs are nearly popping out of their sockets, bloodshot and we seek that last breath of free air, you "ban" us from smoking in "public places"... but of course, in a nation bleeding with poverty, regional disparities, racial discrimination, lack of health & educational facilities, the top-most priority is to divert ALL possible funds to ensure we smoke at our homes and keep the environment nicotine free...however, public defacation is our born right and all and sundry are welcome to mark "public walls" as their own... leaders of our "modern" country, please raise your pristine-pure white dhotis and lead the way, the walls of the country eagerly await your blessings!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
edge...
there's a little crazy streak in everyone i know... sometimes it's a mere hazy line, meandering on their mannerisms and scuttling away the moment it draws attention... at others, it's a bold neon green highlight flashing blatantly commanding acceptance... and most times it fluctuates frantically between these two depending on what's happening around us. It's strange how openly declaring insanity has become "cool" now... the minds & moods of the famous mentally disturbed induces even more fame...manic depressive ageing rock stars, pregnant and bald pop princesses, neurotic drugged anorexic singers, actors who swing every which way to seem different!
"Crazayyyyy" crooned Steven Tyler and the words never really pinched... but of course, his daughter and Alicia Silverstone ensured that the audience is distracted from the very title of the song... visual treat for all *encouraging applause*... now it hits closer home than i would have ever imagined before!
How much do we really need to be pushed over the edge... a barely imperceptible nudge, a violent shove or maybe even nothing... maybe some of us are headed there without even realizing it and by the time the fog has cleared out, we are so far off the cliff, we didn't even realize there's no earth to keep us grounded...
what DO we need to keep us real? Friends? Family? A pet? Love? (can't help but notice the sequence!) perhaps, nothing at all... it could all just be an illusion, a superficial image reflected by the water of the world... philosophical as it may sound, somehow this extreme level of pessimism comforts me more than the "bobby-mcferin-whisling-don't-worry-be-happy" ever could...at least i know i will always be an imaginary number!
"Crazayyyyy" crooned Steven Tyler and the words never really pinched... but of course, his daughter and Alicia Silverstone ensured that the audience is distracted from the very title of the song... visual treat for all *encouraging applause*... now it hits closer home than i would have ever imagined before!
How much do we really need to be pushed over the edge... a barely imperceptible nudge, a violent shove or maybe even nothing... maybe some of us are headed there without even realizing it and by the time the fog has cleared out, we are so far off the cliff, we didn't even realize there's no earth to keep us grounded...
what DO we need to keep us real? Friends? Family? A pet? Love? (can't help but notice the sequence!) perhaps, nothing at all... it could all just be an illusion, a superficial image reflected by the water of the world... philosophical as it may sound, somehow this extreme level of pessimism comforts me more than the "bobby-mcferin-whisling-don't-worry-be-happy" ever could...at least i know i will always be an imaginary number!
Friday, October 17, 2008
SOS
Wrote this a month ago...ironic how "chaos" is ALSO my blog title and part of the 1st line... doubt it qualifies as a poem... more like frustrated musings on a Friday evening after an awful week with no hope that a resolution will occur anytime soon... work life brings out the best in my pessimistic self... :)
SOS
The Atlas of modern day chaos,
Bounces sadistically on my shoulders and laughs,
The weight of the world is now mine to bear
Shrinking with fear and panic, how do I fare?
All corners of the world converge constantly
Squashing me with nowhere to flee
“I’m a fighter, a strong person” I declare to watchers
Arms crossed, they’re entertained by my tortures.
So I writhe in painful misery, thoughts racking for choices
In dreams & nightmares, I hear their threatening voices
“How can you ever make it successfully?” they snigger
Their remarks echo in my head & obstinately linger.
I shake my head and try to think “positive thoughts”
Alas! All I see are numbers, patterns & sickly green blots.
Is this how I will drag on until the end of time?
Not earning a dollar or even a dime?
All my life, did people lie about my skills & intelligence?
Or have I become duller, slower, and more dense?
Should I give myself time to adjust to this weight?
Or perhaps I never WILL possess that mysterious trait,
That which renders others so strong, triumphant & confident
The search for which has my shoulders aching & my head bent.
My mind is still aflutter, indecisive as always
So tired of thinking of a way out, it’s spinning in a daze
There isn’t an end to this poem since life travels on its own orbit too
Doubtlessly, you can’t know what will happen, since I haven’t got a clue!
first...
hate firsts... they scare me out of my mind... my first blog... been avoiding creating one for years fearful of what my crazy thoughts might look in text... now it's too late to consider that anymore...with a sigh of trepidation, I seek myself through myself... questions bounce in my mind back and forth in no particular order and i have a question for those ever-multiplying questions in my own head "are they all worth answering?"... some die immediately, others will fade away as life progresses and new ones will form in the void left behind... the day we can answer all questions is the day we cease to exist... chaos is normal...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
