faith...

It's happened to me before and I've always felt the same way... it's that phase of my life again... where everything seems to fit... all the right pieces of the jigsaw miraculously form the perfect picture... everything I have ever wanted is right before my eyes... it's so real, I can smell it, touch it, taste it... the concept of perfect is so tangible... yet it scares the shit out of me! What if I build it up to what it actually is? What if my castle of cards, made up of only the prettiest face cards, collapses right before my helpless eyes? What if the mirage is pulling me in to a mock sense of security, all the while laughing it's fat belly, the thunderous evil laugh echoing in the horizon? What if ...?
And what if this is what I think it is... utopia! What if I hesitate to believe it and it loses faith in me? What if my fears chase away my pretty ideal picture into the unreachable realms of darkness?
Life will bring us to evenly spaced out milestones and periodically confusing crossroads... do I celebrate the next milestone, or fear the next crossroad? When it's time to take that leap of faith and believe in my dreams and my self and my abilities to merge my actual & ideal selves, will I hold back and shudder at the thought of the risk? Will I take the plunge and see where I end up... Sometimes the fear of disappointing myself makes me want to not give things what they deserve... my 100%!
All I can do is plead to my jigsaw picture... stay in on me... I do believe in you... I may question your hues or doubt my worthiness of being a part of you... but I will get to you when I'm ready and deserving of all your expectations... I will be there to unite with you, that last central piece, I shall land smack in the middle of this utopia and own it and make it my own and belong there and everything will fall into place so that my twisted lines are complemented by the rest of the puzzle...and no longer shall it be a puzzle, just a perfect little picture...