Trippyyyyy!!!

Four nights this past weekend, four train rides... Left Friday evening on a train to P, Sat evening from P to K, Sun evening back from K to P, and tonight I'm on a train from P to the Dallllhiiiiiizzzz :)... hectic travels but such a good time... updates later, my USB data card will refuse to download/upload too much tonight (poor thing's been overstressed, working over the weekends!)... will fill up my blog with all the maddening details soon!

In the process of rationalizing rage...

It ripples within ... and then accelerates exponentially... they say acceleration is defined as the change in velocity divided by the change in time ("they say" because science has always been questionable to me), velocity being speed in a certain direction... speed is further broken down as distance over time...the time taken here for it to hit me hard enough and wrench into my system, is calculated in miliseconds... the distance only stretches a little over 5 feet...direction isn't singular in this case, it starts from the center of my being and spreads out to my toes and fingers and forehead and out my nostrils and my tongue... upon reaching my tongue, terminal velocity is struck... ladies & gentlemen, introducing the point of no return!!!
Scathing words of sarcasm, like tiny sharp pins, dart out aiming to prick anyone within its radius...their arbit paths collide, spin and re-direct... they seek out all possible targets and barrage mercilessly... they aren't lethal enough to kill...more like ant bites, a slight pinch, except that they fall in multitudes and bruise slowly, conquering gradually and overcoming their now-helpless prey.
One moment things around me are within their dimensions of height, length and depth and seconds later, they burst into an unfathomable multi-dimensional plethora of shades, hues, and textures... I can't make sense of objects, people, sounds and even of myself! All I see transforms to white-hot forms floating about on multiple planes... all I sense is the heat waves generated from me to everything around me... all I feel is the burning and the startling contrasting cold of tears, running down my cheeks, shaming me with their presence, breaking my self-created barriers, pointing their accusatory fingers at my lack of fortitude...
Uncontrollable rage transforms to frustration and tears... and then comes the guilt and the sadness... their isn't a worse emotion than guilt... anger takes over my person suddenly. It takes me in its arms and spins me over like a professional waltz dancer would, with a graceless, powerless amateur. Guilt, however, gnaws at me... like a giant, obese rat with greedy glinting eyes... it eats up my mind and takes it over until I shiver and shake and cry... my palpitating heartbeat slows down, and all I feel is the misery... sorrow for all that I felt and saw and said... sorrow for all within my hurting-radius... and sorrow for my own sorry self...to be capable of such meanness!
Yet, I let it overcome me and my rational self... I let it reign over my thoughts and actions and relationships... I don't even want to challenge it by pledging patience, I fear I'll only end up disappointing and depressing myself... realizing that my efforts will be in vain, is so much worse than just not trying in the first place!!!

faith...

It's happened to me before and I've always felt the same way... it's that phase of my life again... where everything seems to fit... all the right pieces of the jigsaw miraculously form the perfect picture... everything I have ever wanted is right before my eyes... it's so real, I can smell it, touch it, taste it... the concept of perfect is so tangible... yet it scares the shit out of me! What if I build it up to what it actually is? What if my castle of cards, made up of only the prettiest face cards, collapses right before my helpless eyes? What if the mirage is pulling me in to a mock sense of security, all the while laughing it's fat belly, the thunderous evil laugh echoing in the horizon? What if ...?
And what if this is what I think it is... utopia! What if I hesitate to believe it and it loses faith in me? What if my fears chase away my pretty ideal picture into the unreachable realms of darkness?
Life will bring us to evenly spaced out milestones and periodically confusing crossroads... do I celebrate the next milestone, or fear the next crossroad? When it's time to take that leap of faith and believe in my dreams and my self and my abilities to merge my actual & ideal selves, will I hold back and shudder at the thought of the risk? Will I take the plunge and see where I end up... Sometimes the fear of disappointing myself makes me want to not give things what they deserve... my 100%!
All I can do is plead to my jigsaw picture... stay in on me... I do believe in you... I may question your hues or doubt my worthiness of being a part of you... but I will get to you when I'm ready and deserving of all your expectations... I will be there to unite with you, that last central piece, I shall land smack in the middle of this utopia and own it and make it my own and belong there and everything will fall into place so that my twisted lines are complemented by the rest of the puzzle...and no longer shall it be a puzzle, just a perfect little picture...

Silica dreams

The sands of time swivel in their tribal dance
The grains surge and rush between his toes
He doesn't budge from his towering stance
Age cakes his being, yet his body glows

He has lived in this world and relished it all
He has laughed and cried and loved and lost
He has felt the rise, the plateau, the fall,
Savoured the gains and suffered the cost

Blow by blow he recounts his journey,
Slows down on the special parts and rushes
Smoothly over the ones bitter, scary and unsightly.
A nearly senseless torrent of words he gushes

The sand collects and reminds him of now
He speeds on to the blessings to his kin
Sweet words of faith and harmony he does endow
Merged syllables, barely heard over the swirling din

Dust pierces my eyes without remorse
Unblinking I strain my eyes to see his face
A dune forms over him, scraggy and course
And he is sucked in to the thirsty haze

The sands of time have seized his outer shell
Yet his soul shall travel untiringly farther away
And somewhere within this realm of life
The caked dust will crumble to bare new clay

Indian vocab lesson

irony (verb)
Origin: Govt offices and high-level corporate positions
Pronounced: aaye-ronee
Definition: When one manages to screw oneself over badly enough to shed tears, particularly when expectations of others from the said person have risen neck-craning-sky-high

exclude (noun)
Origin: English globally
Pronounced: ex-clued
Definition: A former partner who has developed stalker tendencies and is clued in to what (and who) one is doing these days

cushion (verb)
Origin: English in overpopulated Asian regions
Pronouced: queue-shun
Definition: Shoving and pushing in absolute ignorance of the possibility that one has to queue up or form a semblance of a line, in order to get on the bus/ book a ticket/ climb the Mumbai local train/ pick up booze from the wine shop (ttheka) 10 mins before its official closing time and other such situations of urgency

lollypop (noun)
Origin: Law courts in metros & tier-I cities
Pronounced: law-leap-up
Definition: A situation wherein a jurisdiction/rule is imposed with no leniency whatsoever (particularly to a celebrity or a pg 3 personality) in order to "set an example" to the public, i.e. to ensure that the public authorities become the cynosure of every print & AV news piece on the impartiality of law-and-order in India

revolution (noun)
Origin: Chaotic Delhi roads
Pronounced: Rev-all-you-shun
Definition: The rare occurence when, as the traffic signal turns green (preferably after a 180 second red light), one's car stalls and refuses to start again, while the 1-km-long line of vehicles behind you begin their bitter-not-so-sweet honking symphony (peppered with a dash of rustic swearing)

Socrates (noun)
Origin: Farmhouse parties on the outskirts of NCR
Pronounced: Sau-crate-ease
Definition: A member of the pre-celebration crew (usually accompanied by an equal size of rippling proud muscles and negative IQ) who is responsible for procuring beer crates (preferably 100... or as many as can be piled in his loud, flashy SUV)

Joystick (noun)
Origin: C-grade Hindi almost-porn movies
Pronounced: As written
Definition: Do I need to elaborate here ??? :P (hint: "common baybeee, gimme your joy-ishtick" :))))

leap before you look

Driving on auto-pilot mode usually results in the most abstract albeit true thoughts, it's almost like being on a trip (only the ideas don't bounce against the walls of your marijuana-induced-suddenly-broadened mind as rapidly)... a strange concept crept into my vacant-yet-occupied mind... to drive well one needs to hone both reflexes and a sense of foresight... and strangely, these skills are needed at completely different times!

If you lack foresight, you've got to work the reflexes fast enough to avoid crashing into that annoying little oblivious two-wheeler rider... and if you lack reflexes, you better use foresight to decide what excuses you need to give the cops to get out of the whole mess! I really wonder what is needed in greater quantity- planning & foresight can get you on the right roads well ahead of time so you never really need to go crazy with the accelerator (I DIDN'T say gas pedal!) and rely on the hopefully-lightning-fast-reflexes... and if you have massive doses of responsiveness, then you can forget about wasting your time meticulously planning out your route and even leave home much later to still reach your destination with time to spare... in my case I would like to believe that I have the perfect balance of both (...as well as dollops of modesty oozing out of my smug-as-a-cat face)... but looking at the maddening Delhi traffic, and the ever-confusing-and-perpetually-transforming Metro diversions, and the indecisive three and two-wheelers ruling the fast-lane of the roads, and the hyper stray dogs chasing their favourite brand of cars "tyrelessly", I think reflexes count for a whole lot more... foresight can only help you plan which roads have fewer traffic lights, but it's reflexes that can help you yell most effectively (fewer, more comprehensible and most impactful words) at all the frustrating vehicles whose only agenda to be on the same road as you is to ram into your beautiful, shiny, gorgeous ride!!!

I believe you've got to learn to drive safe in this city... and whenever that isn't possible (e.g. on MG road), drive smart & sassy! Go hottie female drivers!!! Get those giant glares on your face, the chin-up attitude and the high-heeled-uber-hot shoes stamping on that pedal!!!