stuff i love to hate...

The most reassuring part of life is the certainty with which we can declare to all and sundry..."I never HAVE and never WILL like that..." it could be with reference to a song, an item of clothing, a color, an activity, a feeling or even a person (a whole lotta those out there that I can safely vouch for!)... these opinions are probably the ONLY unchanging part of our whirlwind lives... I know my list is endless but here's the top howmanyever that I can recall for now...

I will ALWAYS detest

~ even looking at an object cutting through skin (knives, needles, syringes, scissors, anything entering skin)... I cringe, I shiver, I pass out!!!

~ the feeling you get a milli-second before you fall down (helplessness, sinking and forthcoming embarassment)

~ waiting....being on time (which is almost always) and having to wait for people who have a casual attitude towards punctuality... I hate to wait mostly because I don't know what to do when I am by myself... get restless...it's like an incurable disease, I think

~ cars/two wheelers/trucks/buses etc. who can't manage to navigate their vehicles but presume that they own the road...

~ people who litter, hurt animals & strays, spit on the road etc.

~ the feeling of seaweed wrapping around your unsuspecting ankle!!!

~ the helpless feeling you get when your work is held up on account of external circumstances and the higher-ups ask uncomfortable questions (but of course, that IS the one sentence they adhere to in their job descriptions)

~ when you are home alone and the one person you would like to sneak in isn't in the same city

~the half an hour span from "i don't feel well" to "don't piss me off, my head is killing me"... especially when you're about to go on a night out with friends (a very close friend tells me beer solves ALL problems...somehow never wanted to try beer on a headache!)

~people asking me annoying questions or disturbing me in any way when I'm reading a book

~wannabes who think bryan adams is the ultimate in "rock music" and the best novel they've ever read is "one night at a call centre"

~women who wear tight clothes and can't find appropriate lingere (can get exceedingly repulsive sometimes...almost as bad as women who wear jeans-about-to-slide-off-the-ass and can't seem to have found a single belt in their wardrobes to hold the said garment together)

~the time span between waking up in the morning and having my first cup of strong, bitter coffee

I think that's enough of me raving and ranting for no reason other than to feel better about the fact that some things will never change :)... should I feel the need for it, I WILL update this with some more blah feelings... Yayyyy!!!

midnight musings...

Last night...the time would've been about 2:30 am... my cousin woke my lazy sleeping ass off the couch facing the tv in the most effective manner possible..."chal let's go for a smoke"...instant transformation, from the garfield-inspired-yawning-lethargy to colorful, shiny, bouncing slinky...

We tip-toed out to the lobby where my sleep-like-an-angel-wake-like-a-hurricane dog was snoring contentedly... my cousin put the giant key into the lock and turned it over three times... this task usually accounts for three loud clicks but he has mastered the art of patiently turning it counter-clockwise and pausing for that brief second before the lock clicks so the sound barely carries to mom & dad's master bedroom upstairs! Once out, we locked the rest of the family in and sat right outside the door on the stairs...

As I stepped out, things felt a little different... a nice different, not the what-the-fuck-just happened sorta different. If you were out at that hour in Delhi, you sure as hell would know what I mean... dressed in a turquoise blue ganjee, white "hearted" shorts and bare feet, I shivered, barely imperceptible even to me, and realized how soothing the cool breeze felt at the first floor of our building... a slight mist floated up from the parking lot and the tree leaves in the distance shook from the sudden spurts of wind. I smiled to myself relishing the cozy warm feeling of the oncoming Delhi winters.

My cousin passed me the cigarrette to light up (...family tradition :)... I always light up, unless I'm driving, or someone has to get up to find matches!). While striking the match, I thought of the lovely comforting feeling of the cold, foggy winter mornings with sizzling strong cups of coffee that taste so much better as you snuggle back under the covers and search for that part of the bed, still warm from when you woke up...
I think of cold hands rubbing together as I walk out of my house, wrapped up in a fleece sweater, oversized overcoat or one of mom's shawls (stolen from her wardrobe)...
I think of all the lovely people thronging CP, clothed in colorful winter-wear soaking up the balmy afternoon sun in Central Park or haggling with road-side vendors at Janpath for junk jewelry...three happy thoughts, three drags, and I pass the smoke to my cousin (busy on his phone, talking to one of his multiple girlfriends)...

Absentmindedly, I too pick up my phone to call up the one person I know who hasn't experienced this gorgeous Delhi season before and with whom I'll spend my most comforting, snug moments in my city this year... a familiar voice answered "Hello"..."Hi" I said, "Winters are coming to Delhi soon...Yayyy!" He chuckles at my goofiness and wonders what's so special about this season the very notion of which has every Delhiite smiling dreamily... I take a couple more drags from my cousin and think to myself about the season of hot coffee, freezing cold nights, Old Monk & cola, blankets, bright comical socks & sneakers, Christmas rooftop barbecues and New Years' Eve enthusiasm... and the best part is, winters get better each year... haven't experienced a more satisfying winter anywhere else...ever!

choke, sputter, gasp!!!

you asphyxiate us with
-your bureaucratic delays and indecision
-your untreated wastes released from PSU factories
-your rollercoaster roads pockmarked with potholes
-your agitated speeches promoting regional intolerance
-your unending criminal records
-your constant blame-game melodramas
-your blatant paan-spitting on the public roads
-your white Ambassadors with no pollution check since 1988

... you place your file-passing-redtaped hands around our cumulative throats and wring us dry of all our rights... and when our eyeballs are nearly popping out of their sockets, bloodshot and we seek that last breath of free air, you "ban" us from smoking in "public places"... but of course, in a nation bleeding with poverty, regional disparities, racial discrimination, lack of health & educational facilities, the top-most priority is to divert ALL possible funds to ensure we smoke at our homes and keep the environment nicotine free...however, public defacation is our born right and all and sundry are welcome to mark "public walls" as their own... leaders of our "modern" country, please raise your pristine-pure white dhotis and lead the way, the walls of the country eagerly await your blessings!

edge...

there's a little crazy streak in everyone i know... sometimes it's a mere hazy line, meandering on their mannerisms and scuttling away the moment it draws attention... at others, it's a bold neon green highlight flashing blatantly commanding acceptance... and most times it fluctuates frantically between these two depending on what's happening around us. It's strange how openly declaring insanity has become "cool" now... the minds & moods of the famous mentally disturbed induces even more fame...manic depressive ageing rock stars, pregnant and bald pop princesses, neurotic drugged anorexic singers, actors who swing every which way to seem different!

"Crazayyyyy" crooned Steven Tyler and the words never really pinched... but of course, his daughter and Alicia Silverstone ensured that the audience is distracted from the very title of the song... visual treat for all *encouraging applause*... now it hits closer home than i would have ever imagined before!

How much do we really need to be pushed over the edge... a barely imperceptible nudge, a violent shove or maybe even nothing... maybe some of us are headed there without even realizing it and by the time the fog has cleared out, we are so far off the cliff, we didn't even realize there's no earth to keep us grounded...

what DO we need to keep us real? Friends? Family? A pet? Love? (can't help but notice the sequence!) perhaps, nothing at all... it could all just be an illusion, a superficial image reflected by the water of the world... philosophical as it may sound, somehow this extreme level of pessimism comforts me more than the "bobby-mcferin-whisling-don't-worry-be-happy" ever could...at least i know i will always be an imaginary number!

SOS

Wrote this a month ago...ironic how "chaos" is ALSO my blog title and part of the 1st line... doubt it qualifies as a poem... more like frustrated musings on a Friday evening after an awful week with no hope that a resolution will occur anytime soon... work life brings out the best in my pessimistic self... :)

SOS

The Atlas of modern day chaos,
Bounces sadistically on my shoulders and laughs,
The weight of the world is now mine to bear
Shrinking with fear and panic, how do I fare?
All corners of the world converge constantly
Squashing me with nowhere to flee
“I’m a fighter, a strong person” I declare to watchers
Arms crossed, they’re entertained by my tortures.
So I writhe in painful misery, thoughts racking for choices
In dreams & nightmares, I hear their threatening voices
“How can you ever make it successfully?” they snigger
Their remarks echo in my head & obstinately linger.
I shake my head and try to think “positive thoughts”
Alas! All I see are numbers, patterns & sickly green blots.
Is this how I will drag on until the end of time?
Not earning a dollar or even a dime?
All my life, did people lie about my skills & intelligence?
Or have I become duller, slower, and more dense?
Should I give myself time to adjust to this weight?
Or perhaps I never WILL possess that mysterious trait,
That which renders others so strong, triumphant & confident
The search for which has my shoulders aching & my head bent.
My mind is still aflutter, indecisive as always
So tired of thinking of a way out, it’s spinning in a daze
There isn’t an end to this poem since life travels on its own orbit too
Doubtlessly, you can’t know what will happen, since I haven’t got a clue!

first...

hate firsts... they scare me out of my mind... my first blog... been avoiding creating one for years fearful of what my crazy thoughts might look in text... now it's too late to consider that anymore...with a sigh of trepidation, I seek myself through myself... questions bounce in my mind back and forth in no particular order and i have a question for those ever-multiplying questions in my own head "are they all worth answering?"... some die immediately, others will fade away as life progresses and new ones will form in the void left behind... the day we can answer all questions is the day we cease to exist... chaos is normal...